The State of My Heart

So I’ve been hurting lately. A lot. The best way I can describe what it feels like is having my heart repeatedly pounded with a meat tenderizer... and then squeezed in its tenderized condition. It’s been over a year and I’m tired of it. It’s reached the point of being funny to me honestly (I sometimes have a rather sardonic sense of humor).

The causes for my pain are not important for this post. They are remarkably personal. If I were to lay it all out in comparison to other trials, it would seem small. It’s just that my current bitter cup happens to be filled with the things that are most painful to me. I’m not suffering because of circumstances as much as I’m suffering because of my very nature.

I have had bad things happen in life because I made mistakes or ignored promptings. But the worst pain I have ever suffered has come as a direct result of following the Spirit. And there’s a great deal of comfort and peace in that.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that I love. In 1^st Nephi 17: 13, the Lord says “inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led… and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.”

That second part is so important. “Ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.” When you know that it is by God that you are led, it takes away the “what if?” and “if only” and leaves peace even in suffering.

I’ve had nights where I just wanted to stop hurting and be done. I think I could stop hurting if I really wanted to. I’ve seriously considered the following options:

1.       Stop caring. Specifically, ignore and block promptings related to certain people/situations. 
2.       Become a hermit. 
3.       Give up certain core dreams and resign myself to life without them.

The problem with each of these options is that I think I would have to die a little to carry them out. I could stop hurting, but I would also stop being me. I’ve actually tried options 1 and 2, but I couldn’t keep it up (I lasted less than a day).

I wish I was strong enough to carry the pain without ever becoming sad or angry. I’m not. I don’t like the sad, angry version of myself that sometimes emerges. But it is what it is. I am strong enough to retain my identity, though. I’m strong enough to hold on and endure. So, for now, I choose to hurt.