The Eternal Nature of Love

In my first area on my mission, there was this one investigator that my companion absolutely loved. I didn’t. I mean I cared about her. I wanted to be a good missionary to her. I studied for her and prayed for her and all that stuff. I liked her as a person. But I didn’t love her the same way my companion did. Not until my last day in the area.

We were supposed to meet with her and she didn’t show. Then it hit me hard. Love. Lots of love. Not my own love. But I knew how God felt about her because I could feel it. I knew what He wanted for her. And suddenly, it all became much, much more important to me. I wrote it all down in a card for her and we left it at her door.

As we walked away, I asked God “why?” Why give this to me now? Why not all the time? The work would be so much easier if I could feel that for every investigator all the time. I would be a better missionary for it.

The answer came quickly and simply: “You couldn’t handle it.” I immediately comprehended the truth. My mortal body, my mortal heart, could not handle that level of divine love and compassion. Both the joy and the pain that came with it would overwhelm me.

The next day, I transferred to a new area. That was rough. See, there had been a lot of investigators and members that I did love. Deeply. It was a beautiful blend of my own love and divine love. And then I got dropped in a new city. It was dirty. It was ugly. And there was nobody there I loved.

My second day there, I knelt by my bed and cried as I pled with God to send me someone to love. The next day, I met him. I loved him instantly. There could not have been a more perfect set up. His youth. His sweetness. His sincerity. His pain. Everything that my heart is naturally drawn to. He got baptized at the end of that transfer and I finally understood the over-the-top rejoicing in Alma 26.

Then I got transferred again. Eventually, I started understanding scriptures like John 3:30 and 2 Corinthians 12:15. This discipleship thing is hard sometimes.

I’ve been thinking about my mission lately. If my mission was “Christ-like Love 101” then I’m currently working on the next, more advanced course. I’ve got the same teacher. And He keeps referencing the prerequisite.

He started by telling me I couldn’t handle His love. Then He began increasing my capacity… along with all the side effects. I’m really good at setting boundaries. I have to be. Because when I do let my walls down, the love is almost more than I can handle. I can only manage it for so many people at a time.

So this image has been going around lately. I like it, but I would add more. “But I love it God. I love it because you gave it to me in the first place. You told me it was important. You made me love it.” I want God to give me eternal things. I’m bad at letting go.

In D&C 51:17, the Lord tells a group of saints staying on a farm temporarily to “act upon this land as for years.” He’s been telling me to do that with people, too. But then he pulls the teddy bear thing.

The hardest is when it’s ongoing. “Here, pour energy and love into this person. Now let that be and focus on other things and other people.” But then, when I’m not even thinking about them, a random impression comes to do something. And it all comes back. The tenderness. The meaning. The compassion. And then I’m supposed to just put that away again for weeks or months. My heart doesn’t just turn on and off like that.

D&C 132:14 says “For whatsoever things remain are by me; and whatsoever things are not by me shall be shaken and destroyed.” So when a relationship grows out of Christ-like love, when the very core of the relationship is centered in Christ, then it’s by Him, right? It should remain. This is my struggle right now.

Last week, while trying to understand how to hold on and let go at the same time, I looked over my notes from “Christ-like Love 101” (figuratively speaking). I volunteered at the MTC. One set of missionaries taught me about preparing for General Conference and asked me to share a time when I received personal revelation through General Conference.

What came back to me was an experience from my second area on my mission. I think it was Elder Ballard who was speaking, but it wasn’t anything he said that I remember. I had this impression of being in heaven. There were investigators there that I had left behind – one in particular. I’d felt a connection to him when we first contacted him on the street. A “this is my brother” kind of feeling. I had a terrible time communicating with him. My Czech was terrible and he had very educated diction. I could hardly understand him. I only taught him for a few weeks before being transferred, but that feeling was there every time I saw him. I felt it again in that impression of heaven. And I was able to talk to him with no language barrier.

I believe that love is eternal. All real love is eternal. Love is never wasted. It will all mean something in Heaven. It will still matter. It didn’t just start in this life and it won’t just end with separation. I want eternal things.