“I found someone new for you to help.” She
said it with the same tone that I would expect someone to say “I have European
chocolate for you” or “I got you a new book.” She literally thought she was
offering me one of my favorite things in the world.
I didn’t
have the heart to tell my friend she was wrong, that I wasn’t the person she
thought I was. Because I wanted to be that person. I really did. And apparently
that was enough to fool her.
It’s not that
I don’t genuinely want to help people. I do. I want to care. But sometimes,
that’s all I’ve got. I know I should be patient with a new employee, or go talk
to the new person, or offer to do the dishes. And I usually do it. But I don’t
always want to. It’s a choice. It’s a habit.
My friend saw
me as the person I want to become, the person I try to emulate. I am grateful
for that. She saw the best in me. She didn’t see that sometimes I fight it. She
didn’t see how often I have resented the expectation that I will act
altruistically. "Oh, ask Laura. She's good at that." No, I'm not. It's no easier for me than anyone else. I just choose to do it because it's right.
But it really isn't just others’ expectations. I expect it of myself.
But it really isn't just others’ expectations. I expect it of myself.
God has set
me up. My whole life is a set-up. He sent me seven younger siblings. He gave me
responsibility early in life. Some of my first visiting teaching assignments
were to sisters with serious medical problems. God led me to jobs that involved
teaching, training, and coaching. He called me as a missionary. He set me up,
over and over, to care for the most vulnerable – for children and for people
with disabilities.
And I’ve
walked right into it every time. I’ve walked right in because that’s where I
want to go. Or at least, I want to want it.
I’m grateful
really. I worry about who I would be without that drive to serve, to take care
of people. I have other characteristics, too. I’m ambitious. I’m comfortable
with hard work. I like to think I’m reasonably intelligent. None of those
qualities are inherently good. They can be used for good. But they can easily
be used to be manipulative and selfish, and even downright evil.
God has
given me a focus, and it has (mostly) kept me out of trouble. It’s grown within
me. I am closer today to the person I want to be than I was when my friend told
me so enthusiastically of an opportunity to serve.
Ï just agree with what you have said, Laura. I know that it is hard to be around people who have expectations from us. One thing that I just thought about recently is that we are not here to fulfill someone else's xpecttions. We are here to live our own life according to the standards and desires we allways wanted to become a reality in our lives. I know that God made us unique for a reason.
ReplyDeleteSo true, Pavel! When I recognize that *I* want to serve and *I* choose to serve, and *I* want to be that person, then I am happy in that role.
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