Monday, December 21, 2015

I'm Not as Good as You Think I Am



“I found someone new for you to help.” She said it with the same tone that I would expect someone to say “I have European chocolate for you” or “I got you a new book.” She literally thought she was offering me one of my favorite things in the world.

I didn’t have the heart to tell my friend she was wrong, that I wasn’t the person she thought I was. Because I wanted to be that person. I really did. And apparently that was enough to fool her.

It’s not that I don’t genuinely want to help people. I do. I want to care. But sometimes, that’s all I’ve got. I know I should be patient with a new employee, or go talk to the new person, or offer to do the dishes. And I usually do it. But I don’t always want to. It’s a choice. It’s a habit.

My friend saw me as the person I want to become, the person I try to emulate. I am grateful for that. She saw the best in me. She didn’t see that sometimes I fight it. She didn’t see how often I have resented the expectation that I will act altruistically. "Oh, ask Laura. She's good at that." No, I'm not. It's no easier for me than anyone else. I just choose to do it because it's right.

But it really isn't just others’ expectations. I expect it of myself.

God has set me up. My whole life is a set-up. He sent me seven younger siblings. He gave me responsibility early in life. Some of my first visiting teaching assignments were to sisters with serious medical problems. God led me to jobs that involved teaching, training, and coaching. He called me as a missionary. He set me up, over and over, to care for the most vulnerable – for children and for people with disabilities.

And I’ve walked right into it every time. I’ve walked right in because that’s where I want to go. Or at least, I want to want it.

I’m grateful really. I worry about who I would be without that drive to serve, to take care of people. I have other characteristics, too. I’m ambitious. I’m comfortable with hard work. I like to think I’m reasonably intelligent. None of those qualities are inherently good. They can be used for good. But they can easily be used to be manipulative and selfish, and even downright evil.

God has given me a focus, and it has (mostly) kept me out of trouble. It’s grown within me. I am closer today to the person I want to be than I was when my friend told me so enthusiastically of an opportunity to serve.

2 comments:

  1. Ï just agree with what you have said, Laura. I know that it is hard to be around people who have expectations from us. One thing that I just thought about recently is that we are not here to fulfill someone else's xpecttions. We are here to live our own life according to the standards and desires we allways wanted to become a reality in our lives. I know that God made us unique for a reason.

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    1. So true, Pavel! When I recognize that *I* want to serve and *I* choose to serve, and *I* want to be that person, then I am happy in that role.

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