I have a sneaking
sympathy for Zacharias (see Luke 1:5-24). When an angel told him that his barren wife would have
a child, his response was “Whereby shall I know this? for I am an old man, and
my wife well stricken in years.”
I get it. I
get it because sometimes I’m afraid to believe. I imagine his feelings at the
time were something like this: “I’ve been praying for this for years. There is
nothing my wife and I have wanted more. This has been our most deeply cherished
hope. Now she’s past childbearing years and I think you’re telling me she will
have a child. And, oh, how I desperately want to believe that. But I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of what will happen to me and my faith if I believe that now and
then it doesn’t happen. So please, help me.”
The angel
responded: “thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these
things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words, which shall be
fulfilled in their season.”
I think I
would have been grateful. I would have thanked God for something tangible to
help me believe it really was from Him, something to help sustain my faith
until a child was conceived. And then, throughout the pregnancy, with all the
fears of complications and the many things that can go wrong so easily when an
older woman has a child, it would have been a daily reminder of God’s promise.
I trust God.
I really do. He makes me promises. Sometimes He makes me very specific
promises. And I believe them. For the most part.
I have so
many experiences where I trusted inspiration and it was clearly right. God
tells me a friend needs me and I find out they do need me. God tells me what to
do for them and it works. Or God tells me he’ll take care of my financial stress
and then I get an unexpected promotion. He does that kind of thing all the time.
But sometimes,
things don’t happen the way I think they’re supposed to. Sometimes that’s
pretty easy to reconcile. There was the time I felt strongly to pursue a job.
Every time I’d felt that before, I got the job. So I was excited, because I
really wanted this one. And I prayed before, during and after the interview and
felt really good about it. And then I didn’t get it. But God never actually
told me I would get it. He just told me to pursue it. So that’s OK, right?
But every so
often, it doesn’t work like that. Every so often I feel like God is telling me
something that I desperately want (like an investigator is going to get
baptized, or I’m going to meet my husband this year). And I believe it. And it
doesn’t happen.
My reaction
is usually not to doubt God. It’s easier to mistrust myself. Maybe I
misunderstood. Maybe He was just telling me to work towards it and I wanted to
believe it was a promise that it would actually happen. But, then, there are
times when I’ve clearly only felt “work towards it” and that felt different. So
why did it feel so sure that time? People say “well maybe it’s what you needed
at the time to get to where you were supposed to be.” No. I won’t accept that.
God doesn’t lie to me. He won’t lie to me to get me to do something.
I’m a lawyer’s
daughter. I’ve learned to break down wording. Things like “soon” and “but a
small moment” are not legally defined lengths of time. “This will happen”
without a qualifying timeline can mean it will happen in the next life. God can and does give very specific revelation. I don’t want to chicken out of
fully receiving it. But I don’t want to be a sucker either.
So I hedge
my bets. I leave myself an out. When God makes promises, I believe Him, but tuck
away an alternate interpretation just in case. But where’s the line? Where’s
the line between patiently, humbly submitting to the Lord, and insufficient
faith? I don’t have the answer to that. I like to think the gap is narrowing
with time, but I don’t know that it will ever disappear completely.
